Fear

So I know that Christ had a purpose for August in this surrender. And I have decided that I am supposed to learn about the product of fear and how I can overcome the unhealthy side of it.

Luke 5:10
"Do not be afraid"

There have been several events over the last month that seem to be attacking my insecurities and all the sides that accompany fear, from physical, mental and spiritual.

Let me preface by saying that in June of this year I was thrown from a horse and suffered from several cracked ribs, bruises on the muscles of my shoulder blades, and a contusion on my left hand. It was a very painful time in my life, I spent the rest of the summer in the healing process and at the doctor every other Thursday.

For some odd reason I made the decision to act as counselor and medication administrator on a horse pack trip that our camp had in August. I felt as though the confidence I had in riding was not at all disturbed by my accident, at least until I was given my horse assignment. For some reason, all calm was swept from me the second I mounted Dakota, a Dark mare with a pale face.

For anyone who had ever spent six or more hours on the back of a fury animal, you might understand the constant stress and fear of riding an animal that in many ways had more control of my safety than I did. The first day was absolutely miserable, my mind was consumed with scenarios that included me flying through the air and off the side of the cliff that we often found ourselves staring down along the trail.

I remember that one of my constant thoughts was how if I were hiking I would feel a whole lot more sure of myself. And then that night, sitting around a fire with the sun dipping behind Sawtooth in the back round, I read Psalm 147:10.
"His delight is not in th strength of the horse, nor his pleasure in the legs of man."

There was nothing I could have done to feel totally secure in my own strength. And this was made evident in my attempt to summit Longs the following Monday after the pack trip. Long's is 14,253 feet high and sixteen mile round trip hike. We left at three in the morning and finished around two that afternoon. It would have taken longer but we decided to turn around at 14,000 feet. We had just come over the trough and were staring at the Narrows, a section that is right before the homestretch to the top. In many ways I regret not finishing, but I learned about human failure and the Glory of God. Physically and mentally is was an extreme challenge, I had the opportunity to lead my group for a good portion of the way and remember continually feeling the overwhelming weight of what we were doing hit me.

Every time I glanced down the 2,000 foot drop off, became aware that my fingers were the size of sausages and had no feeling left, or felt the dropping temperatures and thinning oxygen, I was humbled by my stupidity and drive to push forward and up. Coming down my hip flexer went out and I was left with one dead leg that I dragged for about three miles.

Creation brought me to my knees, seeing the majesty of God left me understanding my own insignificance.

The third think that will have me facing against my fear is the internship which I have decided to accept in the missions department of my church. The job description is basically a mentorship program that is geared to fight increasing teen homelessness in Abilene. I will spend approximately twelve hours a week with five to six girls who are in danger of dropping out of high school.

Please don't think for a second, oh how noble. For the longest time, my life has been about middle class white kids and I can honestly say I am slightly afraid. In my own strength, I can do nothing for these girls.

"But God chose what is foolish in this world to shame the wise, God chose what is weak to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring nothing to things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God." 1 Corinthians 1:27-29

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
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Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

-Sanctus Real