Own special way...

Saturday
I GRADuated.
I sat in a crowed auditorium with a silly hat and listened to old men

(not one woman spoke, hmmm)                                                         praise me for all

my 

smarts.

I blinked, flipped my ring, and marched out into the bright sunshine. 

Four years are through. 

I hugged the hell out of all my friends, stuffed mugs and books into card board boxes and drove away from my sweet town.  I love Abilene. But I also know when it's time to leave. For me, it was May 15th, 2011. I may go back, but for now I waved goodbye. 

I noticed TWO things this weekend. ONE: My Mom. TWO: My Dad. 

They both know how to love me in their own special way.

Mom has a heart of a servant and the metaphorical strength of an Ox. 

She walked into my cluttered house and stared at the packing attempt I had made, stuffing mugs into plastic bins. With an exasperated sigh, she rolled up her sleeved and began to carefully pack away each of my precious mementos. There are some things I just could not do without my mother.

Dad has the precious ability to delicately embrace me when I am unaware of my need to cry.  

I sobbed into my Dad's shoulder, leaving hurts the soul.  All he said was, "you're sad." Somehow he knows. My Dad sees my deep sadness, masked by an excited trip. I will absolutely miss my college life, but I will not allow it to be the end of all good things. 

The 

 peak...

In the words of the 

great John Avery Whitaker

__"The best is yet to come." __

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http://thepolaroidexpress.blogspot.com/

"Awake, O sleeper,
and arise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."

Amil, a teen with a youthful face, grew up up in cardboard hut, surviving solely on bits of flat bread, pick pocketing in the dense city center of Cairo, and three eastward prayers between sunrise and sunset.

Amil's dark features were tense as he tucked his head between his skinny knees, crouching in the dark, endless corridor.

An eternal waiting room, smothered him.

Whispers of the unseen ricocheted off the walls around Amil. Rumors, snippets of conversations about Allah and his son, a god who Amil had never heard of, called Jesus.

Fear twisted in his gut, who was this Christ, the whispers claimed those who had known this Jesus would be invited to live eternally with Allah.

Pools gather around Amil, tears shed by him and others forming tiny rivers down the middle of the flat corridor. He could feel the presence of people around him, all mumbling in their own language. And yet strangely, he understood it all.

Suddenly the darkness was pushed away, it fled into nothing and was replaced by white hot light, piercing Amil's eyes...he kneeled as only he knew how, and began to chant in respectful consternation. A hand, expansive as the ocean, tenderly placed a warm shelter over his head and asked Amil, will you deny yourself and follow me?

Jesus, Yeshua, stood with strong and gentle arms spread wide in an anticipating hug, Amil wept.

Death had come, robbing him in the night from a life of poverty.

Amil clasped the arm of Christ and pleaded, " Allah, Yeshua, I want you."

The GIVER. Meyers Briggs. ENFJ.

Genuinely and warmly interested in people

Value people's feelings

Value structure and organization

Value harmony, and good at creating it

Exceptionally good people skills

Dislike impersonal logic and analysis

Strong organizational capabilities

Loyal and honest

Creative and imaginative

Enjoy variety and new challenges

Get personal satisfaction from helping others

Extremely sensitive to criticism and discord

Need approval from others to feel good about themselves

The GIVER. Meyers Briggs. ENFJ.

Genuinely and warmly interested in people

Value people's feelings

Value structure and organization

Value harmony, and good at creating it

Exceptionally good people skills

Dislike impersonal logic and analysis

Strong organizational capabilities

Loyal and honest

Creative and imaginative

Enjoy variety and new challenges

Get personal satisfaction from helping others

Extremely sensitive to criticism and discord

Need approval from others to feel good about themselves

Live it up.

Finding my voice, my courage

is

so

terrifying.

Placing my heart on the platter of vulnerability is just not

my

style.

In many ways, I am just not willing to give up the mystery of what's to come. The freedom of imagining what could be instead of living in the present consistency of my current reality.

This takes GUMPTION...something I don't know I have.

Ask me

what I believe today and I could not tell you.

and then I read this...

"If GOD gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers- most of which are never seen- don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What i'm trying to do here is get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all you everyday human concerns will be met."

Limbo.

There is a deep fear clouding my mind and nauseating my stomach.
Age frightens me. Wrinkles frighten me.
I am afraid of being a mother, a wife, an employee.
I am afraid of leaving and i am afraid of staying.
I am afraid of being what evereyone wants me to be, and afraid of being someone no one wants.
I am afraid of getting it wrong.


I suppose that covers it...