Live it up.

Finding my voice, my courage

is

so

terrifying.

Placing my heart on the platter of vulnerability is just not

my

style.

In many ways, I am just not willing to give up the mystery of what's to come. The freedom of imagining what could be instead of living in the present consistency of my current reality.

This takes GUMPTION...something I don't know I have.

Ask me

what I believe today and I could not tell you.

and then I read this...

"If GOD gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers- most of which are never seen- don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What i'm trying to do here is get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all you everyday human concerns will be met."

Limbo.

There is a deep fear clouding my mind and nauseating my stomach.
Age frightens me. Wrinkles frighten me.
I am afraid of being a mother, a wife, an employee.
I am afraid of leaving and i am afraid of staying.
I am afraid of being what evereyone wants me to be, and afraid of being someone no one wants.
I am afraid of getting it wrong.


I suppose that covers it...