Monday, December 21, 2009

Breakable Girls.

"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

-Ingrid Michaelson

Last Saturday I went to a wedding of two friends, and witnessed love sewn together simply and in sincerity.

Since I could spell I have been doodling the name of Jesus in the margins of bulletins and notebooks. Sometimes I would add a cross or a few swirls and hearts. I have always boldly claimed that any man I married must love God first and be a Christian to the ump most degree. He would be romantic and spiritual like a twisted prince charming mixed with the fictional heroes Christian authors are creating.

But it was Saturday, listening to the vows that I was stunned with a new revelation. The pastor reminded both Brittany and Meguell that they would never be each others 'first love' and that the covenant they were entering was between three and not two. It made sense of course, Christ had to be the foundation or the point of the triangle; yet as the words came out of his mouth my heart protested. I shocked myself with the honesty I masterfully repress when it contradicts my doctrine. All romantic tears which were welling quickly gasped and hid exclaiming the unjustness of this fact; Not my first love? I have to remind myself that I know all this, but why did smack like my sister’s chewing gum?

Knowing the answer doesn't always bring contentment, because awareness of the truth still leaves us with the decision to accept it.

Problem--a wound
A wound that I was unaware of until the reality of rejection resurfaced. Healing from this wound cannot be dependent on acceptance of truth, or the answer. It must come from perfection, a whole and complete lover who has never hesitated in the pursuit of my soul, of my heart. How could I ask for anyone else to be first in pursuit of me?

I cannot rely on the modesty of others to protect my heart and my mind. This first love business must be between my Boet (the Christ) and I, anything less will not guarantee a happy ending.

Danger--First Love
I stand at a hazardous place wanting the worldly love that I can fathom to be my completing satisfaction. Yet there is a hallow that is stained by pain and rejection which can only be bleached clean by acceptance of the answer, the truth; By letting God pick up the shattered pieces and glue them back together.