Live it up.

Finding my voice, my courage

is

so

terrifying.

Placing my heart on the platter of vulnerability is just not

my

style.

In many ways, I am just not willing to give up the mystery of what's to come. The freedom of imagining what could be instead of living in the present consistency of my current reality.

This takes GUMPTION...something I don't know I have.

Ask me

what I believe today and I could not tell you.

and then I read this...

"If GOD gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers- most of which are never seen- don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What i'm trying to do here is get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all you everyday human concerns will be met."

Limbo.

There is a deep fear clouding my mind and nauseating my stomach.
Age frightens me. Wrinkles frighten me.
I am afraid of being a mother, a wife, an employee.
I am afraid of leaving and i am afraid of staying.
I am afraid of being what evereyone wants me to be, and afraid of being someone no one wants.
I am afraid of getting it wrong.


I suppose that covers it...

Mission, Texas.

My friend Treg is so talented.

E

n

j

o

y

this song by him.

Admit One.

I clutch a tiny Ticket

wrinkled, dusted and Faded;

it tumbled Haphazardly

around, up and Down;

I run all over to Escape

and yet every time my eyes are Lifted,

it rests at our Feet.

with a final Surrender

I bend scrape my hands in the Dirt

and pull the ticket to my Chest.

I begin by shuffling to the Counter

voices whisper that this is Sill

a ticket, a Stupid

little gift to be Redeemed?

I quiver, hesitate and then Begin

to sloppily run like a new born Deer.

nothing will stop Me.

not Now.

I slam it on the ticket Counter

and scream Redemption!

immediately I am wrapped in a Tight,

smothering Warmth.

an embrace so new and yet Known.

familiar and Overwhelming.

Majesty.

Finally.

This weekend...

I

went here with Julie.

I

refurbished my desk.

I

can hardly

believe that

I

FINISHED a project.

New knobs.

New paint.

And a new top.

Very musical.

Not perfect, but just right for me.

It reminds me of this...

And the best part was on

SUNDAY

I drove to a local park, plugged in my ear buds and jammed out to

Mumford and Sons

while SWINGING my heart out. For the oddest reason this brought immense

Peace.

Contentment.

I was sure of my place and identity, there was no doubting the hand of God

cupped around my life.

And then my pants ripped.

Life is so comical.