Tonight I was disappointed. Selfishly.

I was graciously awarded both a Silver and Bronze for excellent video pieces. But

what

is

it

about second place that let's us down?

I am absolutely afraid of the

"B"

team.

I want to be praised for my talent and creativity.

I prepared speeches of acceptance and had the walk down.

Oh

sweet humility.

What an honor to be recognized. To remember that my tiny talents are simple offerings. Because ultimately I will never be the whole, the 'it'. I am a tiny piece of a community, a component of the whole.

Praise be to the giver of

t

a

l

e

n

t.

Turkey Day 5K....The Video

The Art Show

Sing Winter | Jonathan & Melissa Helser

If ever there was a worship song...

I love the UNIQUE descriptions and praises. Here is just that.

Dear generic Christian music,

step away from the word "awesome" and put down the capo. Throw out the endless strumming and pick a little. Put aside culture catch phrases about us making a difference, quick mimicking Katy Perry and the Black Eyed Peas...and just worship.

Sleeves.

Today I was

G

R

U

M

P

Y. My boss made a very strong suggestion that I visit the Abilene Jail tonight for Pioneers jail ministry. I didn't understand what kind of business I was getting into and was sure I had no potential to influence criminals in orange jump suits with orange crocs. And of course, because of a volunteer shortage I was told to go onto the Male side. YIKES.

B

U

T

G

U

E

S

S

What?

As all ministry goes, they rocked me.

a BUNCH

of

old men

young men

bearded men

baby faced

tatted all over

strong jawed

weak kneed

people who were looking for just a little something.

Jesus? maybe.

Relationship, freedom, love, grace, community, belonging, an escape? Absolutely.

So hear is the beauty, they did not know it, but Jesus is

A

L

L

of this and more. Papa scoops up every goodness and light we are scrambling for and dumps it on our heads. I looked into the faces of those hard men as I stumbled through old hymns. I saw my fear melt in a tidy puddle on the floor and dry up. Nothing but sons of God, Boet, Papa.

Oh how he loves them.

Oh how he loves me.

Heaven meets earth with

a Sloppy

wet

kiss.

Oh how he loves.

Under Water.

The

O

N

L

Y

thing that keeps us under water is pride.

If I dive thinking there is a way to breath without oxygen

I

am

a

fool.

I will flap my arms in distress and cry out to

God

for a little

Grace

and a lifejacket

and then ignore the able and willing Bodies looking on in shared distress.

"Hey!" they cry out.

"Can W

E

help?"

I can only ignore them for so long before

my lungs begin to fill with salty water; reality.

A purple face and tears that squeeze out and float

away

just as every other self provision.

And then I plead with

God

one more time for a little

Grace.

Help.

Something.

And then God sighs and loving,

gently,

taps a Body.

They respond in obedience and complete knowledge

of flesh/pride keeping us underwater.

The Body know the importance of responding when

I, like the Body, refused to recognize stubbornness and pride.

So in absolute desperation

I surrender

and am

overwhelmed by

Grace.

Day 1.

For Break

fast I ate oatmeal and an orange.

It is funny how purposefully changing your

diet

drastically changes how the

D

A

Y

is planned.

I mad e

the decision to BIKE with my gloved hands

cupped around a ceramic mug spilling over with

oats and

flax.

I made it to class with Z

E
R
O

accidents but it sure was a close call.

For Lunch

I slobbered over the steamy pizza

each of my SABERS munched on

while I enjoyed a nice bowl of

1/2 tomato

1/4 eggplant

1/4 Squash

1/2 can Black Beans

1/2 bag frozen corn

lemon wedge

2 tbls Apple Cider Vinegar

2 tbls EVOO

and a flour tortilla

s

p

r

e

a

d

with natural peanut butter and raw sunflower sEEds.

YUM

TThe rest of the day has greeted me with waves of headaches and fatigue. But do not worry, all is good and I will enjoy the rain/snow tonight and a bowl of sautéed veggies. SOUP tomorrow.

struggles

J

A

C

O

B Wrestles with GOD. genesis 32:22-32

He leaves with a limp & a B

L

E

S

S

I

N

G

I like Jacob, am Isreal...

translated: to wrestle (struggle) with GOD.

we CANNOT know all the

ANSWERS

BUT

we CAN know

GOD.

I am sitting on the eve of a time set aside to practice discipline and spiritual renewal. At first I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to discover the lay out of my life's "next step".

However, together with my community, we studied the story of Jacob and his turmoil with Boet (God). As I begin the Daniel Fast tomorrow morning, I will reject my tendencies to over plan my long term schedule, and instead attempt to become intimately aware of the Father's love for me. To know H

I

M

Daniel

"I heard his voice. At the sound of it I fainted, fell flat on the ground, face in the dirt. A hand touched me and pulled me to my hands and knees."
Daniel Chapter 10.


It would make sense to enjoy long hours spent with our parents and siblings when we are young and have luxurious amounts of time on our hands. It would be sensible to enjoy stimulating conversation and hysterical competition on the Wii Fit. Maybe a casual meal around the old kitchen table and an hour of sitting and arguing about theology, political justifications and the biology of man.

I am graduating from Hardin-Simmons in May and will surely miss the long Christmas breaks between semesters. This holiday season I made a discovery-- I thoroughly enjoy my family. If only this had been a discovery at the beginning of college rather than the end.
Irony is defined as: "the incongruity of this"

I spent one week at home and was full of good buttery food and wisdom. Now I will admit, there were the unavoidable frustrations that sprout when dealing with family. Unavoidable because my mom has known me before I even knew me and we struggle with control, pride and independence. In tender moments of vulnerability, over coffee or gift wrapping, I saw my mom in all her beauty and struggle. I saw the sacrifice and passion of a strong women.
And I saw myself.

Occasionally I view knowledge as odious. How can something considered to be so valued and precious cause hatred and division, contempt and repulsion. Knowledge, much like faith, should be a dance inviting all to join. Yet I find myself lording this gift over others, especially those who know me in my most human ways. I am learning that the more knowledge I gain the less I truly know.
Irony is defined as: "the incongruity of this"

As I come to enjoy my family I am learning that it takes the constant choice to forgive and to love. To heal.

Every day I fall flat on my face, and the grace of Boet(God) lifts me up slowly. Reminding me I am Chosen, Holy, Dearly Loved, and the Child of God.

What a happy holiday.